I’ve gone through Hell and been stuck in Purgatory… (composed Oct. 3)

Just moments ago I completed the second installment of the Divine Comedy. After making my way through these two books, I’m convinced I could write my own epic about what an adventure it’s been. But, since no one would read a 500 page novel about a nutty Torrey student battling her way through Dante, I’ll just write a blog instead.

In my previous post, I talked about how I like to try to run my own life. When this happens, I consistently crash and burn, usually in less than a week. The realization of my own frailty always brings me back to God to beg for help, and without fail He supplies me with grace. Somehow I just don’t seem to learn my lesson. People warn me, God warns me, I warn myself, and yet I always do it. Again. And again. And again.

To prove how infinitely stupid I am, here’s a story. Only a day or so after composing that optimistic and fulfilling post, I fell back into my usual habits of acting like the queen of my universe. Again. I don’t know what my problem is. Anyways, a lot was going on in my life and in my heart that I was trying to juggle. Only I can’t juggle. (Seriously. I’ve tried.) Consequently, I dropped the balls.

Because I hadn’t finished Inferno on time the previous week, I had to ask for an extension – meaning my mentor gave me a period of grace in which I had to complete it. Even with that time, I was barely able to get the book read on time, and I didn’t write any pre-class notes (which are required for every book we read). On top of this, I had session on Purgatory two days later, which meant I had one day to finish the entire book. Various things came up, and I was only able to read 4 of the 33 cantos before session. I was, to put it delicately, screwed.

I went to my mentor that day like a dog with its tail between its legs, asking for another extension. Here’s the deal: you get three total per semester (only if you need them). The first one’s free but after that it costs you points. Fortunately, because I told him ahead of time, I only lost 5 points, whereas I would have lost 25 if I’d told him later. What I realized during this process was that God was teaching me that I simply cannot do this on my own anymore. I am literally incapable. I’m a straight-A student who can’t get her work done on time.

This is not an easy concept for me to digest. I’m used to being competent, if sometimes a terrible procrastinator, and up to this point I had never missed an assignment. It put a lot of stress on me, and I’ve been struggling to keep my head above the water for the past few days. After having an emotional conversation with my mom this afternoon, I finally broke. The humility that God’s been pushing me towards finally settled over me and I accepted my inadequacy. I asked for God’s help and picked up Purgatory.

It took many hours of hard reading, but I’m finally at the end. It took time, but it was beautiful text and I’m actually excited to write my notes (can you believe it?). I feel a perceptible lightness, as though a physical burden has been lifted from my shoulders, but I know that what it really was. “Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light.” –Matthew 11:28-30.

It truly has been a journey of epic proportions. I’m not even at the end of it all yet, but I’m confident that if I let God carry the weight of my burden I’ll be okay.

P.S. My internet connection has been down all today, so I didn’t think I would be able to post this right away. It took great faith in God’s technological abilities to get even one bar. So I want to say a big thank you to Him for restoring my connection (in more ways than one). God is kind of the best tech guy. EVER.

Grace (composed Sept. 24)

Wow. I'm in college.

I've only been in school for a few weeks, but it already feels like a year. I've grown so much in such a short time, and so many amazing things have happened. I could gush (and I have done to many already) about how great Biola is, but that's not what I want to talk about.

All the awesome things aside, there has been some stuff that really sucked. First off, I've been working my butt off to get all my work done and still I've managed to fall behind. I haven't been sleeping enough because of late-night studying, and so I got sick. It's been emotionally and physically exhausting, and there are several other big issues I'm dealing with on top of that.

In the middle of all this, I felt a tangible disconnection from God. Great. So I'm overloaded, stressed, tired, sick and worried, and somehow God isn't there. I went through the week feeling like this, and it wasn't pretty. Throughout my life there has been this recurring pattern that when I try to rely on my own strength I fail, epically and drastically. Somehow the idea hasn't quite been drilled into my head yet, and I always relapse. But by the end of the week, I knew that it was simply not possible for me to carry on this way any longer.

Once I came to realize this, fully realized it - I knew it in my head, but until then I didn't know it with my whole soul and being - several things happened.

I had a much needed conversation with my roommate that cleared up a lot of things. It was difficult to talk about, but it was much easier than I had imagined.

I had Torrey session. I had been really worried about not being able to participate in class discussion on Inferno because I had taken an extension (non-Torrey people: that just means I asked for a grace period because I couldn't finish the book on time). I had only read 8 cantos out of 34 before class. To my amazement and relief, we didn't even discuss beyond the 5th canto. Coincidence? I think not.

I had a rare time of quiet and solitude that night at the end of a long day of classes. I went to bed early, too early in fact, and my body wasn't ready to fall asleep yet. I started to pray, but it didn't feel genuine, so I began to talk to God, out loud, like I would to a parent. Only then did I really say what I was feeling, and it opened the floodgates to the emotion I had been repressing. I thanked, I vented, I confessed, I begged, I praised and I cried. A lot. By the time I finished, the tiredness and ache in my body had gone, and I felt completely restored. A calm settled on me, a peace I haven't known for a long time, so deep and pure that it could only come from God.

That night I slept wonderfully. I awoke to a room that was, once again, strangely empty and quiet. I spent the morning happily cleaning and reflecting. I had an encouraging talk with my mentor in the afternoon, and went home.

I learned so much in this week. Without God, I am powerless. When I feel distanced from Him, I'm the one who is creating the void. Even when I block my heart and refuse to speak to Him, He pursues me relentlessly out of profound love. He uses my great weaknesses to show His great strength. When I admit to my own frailty, He carries me through. He never gives me more than I can handle. His peace is perfect, and His grace is infinite. What I ask for with my heart, I receive. He loves me, and I love Him.

Isn't it beautiful how God uses our desperation to turn us to Him?