I’ve gone through Hell and been stuck in Purgatory… (composed Oct. 3)

Just moments ago I completed the second installment of the Divine Comedy. After making my way through these two books, I’m convinced I could write my own epic about what an adventure it’s been. But, since no one would read a 500 page novel about a nutty Torrey student battling her way through Dante, I’ll just write a blog instead.

In my previous post, I talked about how I like to try to run my own life. When this happens, I consistently crash and burn, usually in less than a week. The realization of my own frailty always brings me back to God to beg for help, and without fail He supplies me with grace. Somehow I just don’t seem to learn my lesson. People warn me, God warns me, I warn myself, and yet I always do it. Again. And again. And again.

To prove how infinitely stupid I am, here’s a story. Only a day or so after composing that optimistic and fulfilling post, I fell back into my usual habits of acting like the queen of my universe. Again. I don’t know what my problem is. Anyways, a lot was going on in my life and in my heart that I was trying to juggle. Only I can’t juggle. (Seriously. I’ve tried.) Consequently, I dropped the balls.

Because I hadn’t finished Inferno on time the previous week, I had to ask for an extension – meaning my mentor gave me a period of grace in which I had to complete it. Even with that time, I was barely able to get the book read on time, and I didn’t write any pre-class notes (which are required for every book we read). On top of this, I had session on Purgatory two days later, which meant I had one day to finish the entire book. Various things came up, and I was only able to read 4 of the 33 cantos before session. I was, to put it delicately, screwed.

I went to my mentor that day like a dog with its tail between its legs, asking for another extension. Here’s the deal: you get three total per semester (only if you need them). The first one’s free but after that it costs you points. Fortunately, because I told him ahead of time, I only lost 5 points, whereas I would have lost 25 if I’d told him later. What I realized during this process was that God was teaching me that I simply cannot do this on my own anymore. I am literally incapable. I’m a straight-A student who can’t get her work done on time.

This is not an easy concept for me to digest. I’m used to being competent, if sometimes a terrible procrastinator, and up to this point I had never missed an assignment. It put a lot of stress on me, and I’ve been struggling to keep my head above the water for the past few days. After having an emotional conversation with my mom this afternoon, I finally broke. The humility that God’s been pushing me towards finally settled over me and I accepted my inadequacy. I asked for God’s help and picked up Purgatory.

It took many hours of hard reading, but I’m finally at the end. It took time, but it was beautiful text and I’m actually excited to write my notes (can you believe it?). I feel a perceptible lightness, as though a physical burden has been lifted from my shoulders, but I know that what it really was. “Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light.” –Matthew 11:28-30.

It truly has been a journey of epic proportions. I’m not even at the end of it all yet, but I’m confident that if I let God carry the weight of my burden I’ll be okay.

P.S. My internet connection has been down all today, so I didn’t think I would be able to post this right away. It took great faith in God’s technological abilities to get even one bar. So I want to say a big thank you to Him for restoring my connection (in more ways than one). God is kind of the best tech guy. EVER.

Grace (composed Sept. 24)

Wow. I'm in college.

I've only been in school for a few weeks, but it already feels like a year. I've grown so much in such a short time, and so many amazing things have happened. I could gush (and I have done to many already) about how great Biola is, but that's not what I want to talk about.

All the awesome things aside, there has been some stuff that really sucked. First off, I've been working my butt off to get all my work done and still I've managed to fall behind. I haven't been sleeping enough because of late-night studying, and so I got sick. It's been emotionally and physically exhausting, and there are several other big issues I'm dealing with on top of that.

In the middle of all this, I felt a tangible disconnection from God. Great. So I'm overloaded, stressed, tired, sick and worried, and somehow God isn't there. I went through the week feeling like this, and it wasn't pretty. Throughout my life there has been this recurring pattern that when I try to rely on my own strength I fail, epically and drastically. Somehow the idea hasn't quite been drilled into my head yet, and I always relapse. But by the end of the week, I knew that it was simply not possible for me to carry on this way any longer.

Once I came to realize this, fully realized it - I knew it in my head, but until then I didn't know it with my whole soul and being - several things happened.

I had a much needed conversation with my roommate that cleared up a lot of things. It was difficult to talk about, but it was much easier than I had imagined.

I had Torrey session. I had been really worried about not being able to participate in class discussion on Inferno because I had taken an extension (non-Torrey people: that just means I asked for a grace period because I couldn't finish the book on time). I had only read 8 cantos out of 34 before class. To my amazement and relief, we didn't even discuss beyond the 5th canto. Coincidence? I think not.

I had a rare time of quiet and solitude that night at the end of a long day of classes. I went to bed early, too early in fact, and my body wasn't ready to fall asleep yet. I started to pray, but it didn't feel genuine, so I began to talk to God, out loud, like I would to a parent. Only then did I really say what I was feeling, and it opened the floodgates to the emotion I had been repressing. I thanked, I vented, I confessed, I begged, I praised and I cried. A lot. By the time I finished, the tiredness and ache in my body had gone, and I felt completely restored. A calm settled on me, a peace I haven't known for a long time, so deep and pure that it could only come from God.

That night I slept wonderfully. I awoke to a room that was, once again, strangely empty and quiet. I spent the morning happily cleaning and reflecting. I had an encouraging talk with my mentor in the afternoon, and went home.

I learned so much in this week. Without God, I am powerless. When I feel distanced from Him, I'm the one who is creating the void. Even when I block my heart and refuse to speak to Him, He pursues me relentlessly out of profound love. He uses my great weaknesses to show His great strength. When I admit to my own frailty, He carries me through. He never gives me more than I can handle. His peace is perfect, and His grace is infinite. What I ask for with my heart, I receive. He loves me, and I love Him.

Isn't it beautiful how God uses our desperation to turn us to Him?

Beach Night

Last night I met four of my friends from school at the beach. It was a little after 10, so the beach was dark except for the moonlight. We sat on the lifeguard tower and speculated about the wet clothes that we found sitting there, and talked about possibilities of filming over the summer. After a while one of the girls, who was staring into the darkness down the beach said, "Are those swings?" She got up, and one of the guys and I followed her. The three of us ran along the beach, stumbling in the deep sand and laughing like little kids. We soon realized that the swings were not there. We all said that we remembered swings on this beach, so they must be in the other direction. We turned back and walked past the lifeguard tower towards the pier. Eventually the dark outline of the swings was visible, and we ran towards them.

We all grabbed a swing and took turns jumping off them into the sand. I didn't land on my feet once, and soon sand was down my shirt and my pants, but I just laughed. I'm sure I looked ridiculous, but in the darkness no one could see too well and no one cared anyhow. It's oddly freeing, the darkness. Under its protection you can be yourself, entirely, without fear. Swinging on a moonlit beach late at night with the waves crashing in front of you and the pier stretching into the endless expanse of water is something exhilarating I can tell you. But what came next was even better.

Soon we all rolled up our pants and walked to the water, letting it swirl in around our feet. It was surprisingly warm, and we bemoaned the fact that none of us had our bathing suits with us. "I kind of want to go skinny-dipping," I said. "I'd do it if I was alone." Then the girl suggested, "We could go in our underwear." We all looked at each other. "Let's do it." So we ran back up onto the dry sand to strip down. A homeless man was rummaging through the trash cans for bottles, so we ran a little ways back towards the lifeguard tower. "This is far enough," I said. We pulled off our clothes, slightly out of breath from running and smiling giddily. At last we stood there, the girl and I in our bras and underwear, the guy in his boxers. Then we ran into the water.

The next few minutes cannot be described in great detail. I don't remember much of anything except that all of us were laughing and that I was constantly out of breath from laughing, then ducking under the waves, then coming up gasping for air and laughing again. The water wasn't as warm as it had felt on our feet but I didn't feel cold. The waves were strong and kept attempting to pull my underwear off, so half the time I had a hand on it to keep it in place. It was silly and awkward but the feeling was glorious. I didn't feel part of this world. I've rarely come so close to complete freedom and inhibition.

We splashed out of the water and gathered our clothes in bundles. We walked back toward the lifeguard tower, anticipating the looks on the others faces when we got there. As we approached, we greeted them nonchalantly and asked if they could hold onto our clothes. Then we took off and ran into the water again. It was rockier here and the waves were more brutal, but I didn't care. We wrote in the sand and did cartwheels through the waves. As we walked through the water, the guy said, "This is like the opening for an indie movie." and I completely agreed. It felt like we were living in a story, someone else's story, a stolen hour from a fairytale.

The other two climbed down from the tower and walked down the beach toward us. We came out of the water to meet them and we all walked back to get our stuff. Thankfully I had brought a large towel so we were able to dry ourselves off some. The girl and I took our clothes and went to change out of our wet things in the bathroom (jeans on wet skin are none too comfortable, I discovered). By the time we came back, it was well past midnight, and everyone decided it was time to leave.

At our cars there was something waiting for us. On each of our windshields was an envelope and a slip of pink paper. Apparently, we were not allowed to park there so late. We all groaned and berated officer Kim for leaving us such an unpleasant and undeserved surprise. But to me, the night was well worth it.

During the drive home I reflected on everything that had happened. This is what being young is for, I thought. This is what life is about, having these experiences. I want to have these stories to tell. I don't want to live according to the rules. When I'm old I want to look back and say, "Look at what I did then, and now I'm here, still whole. I don't regret my life." So I'm devoting my summer to this: I will seize every opportunity that comes my way to have these experiences and not worry about the repercussions. I'm not stupid enough to get into serious trouble, but I can't allow myself to be too smart to enjoy life. I've been worried about being good for too long. Last night opened my eyes. As if woken from several years of deep sleep, I felt truly alive again. And for that, I'll gladly pay a $40 ticket any night.

Summer isn't endless... but the possibilities are!

Yesterday I took my last final of the semester, which means several things.

1. I successfully completed my last official semester at Saddleback college.
2. I am officially graduated from highschool.
3. Summer is here!

It's really exciting, although to be quite honest the realization that I am done with high school FOREVER hasn't sunk in yet. Mostly I'm just happy that summer is here. After a long and challenging semester, it will be a greatly appreciated break. Not that I will be idle. Quite the contrary. I know that the summer will be over before I know it, and four years of college sit waiting for me at the other end. That is why I intend to take advantage of summer as much as possible. There are many things I am hoping to do:

• turn my legs any color but the milk-white they are now
  
• get in shape by hiking, riding, biking, running and swimming as much as possible
• finish a feature-length screenplay
• be on as many film sets as possible (I'm already lined up for a short in June)
• enjoy my amazing friends
• have several awesome adventures
• learn to play as many songs on the piano as I can
• explore - go places I've never been
• be creative whenever the opportunity arises
• work on my Spanish-speaking skills (which are non-existent)
• watch loads of movies
• learn to be fearless
• kiss someone
• take a roadtrip
• write constantly
• go to the beach
• be spontaneous
• stay up late, wake up early, and never grow tired
• learn Elvish
• become a bigger nerd even than I am now
• indulge my fantasies
• spend lots of time pampering and playing with my horse
• spend as little time as possible in my own house
• have sleepovers - hopefully I'll spend more nights in other's homes than my own
• buy all the music I like to listen to, even if I don't have the money
• visit the zoo regularly
  
• read, read, read (this includes finishing all 40 of the books I won through Helping Haiti Heal, pictured below)

To find out how I won this amazing prize:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KsEsPmeAJns

Those are just some of the things I hope to accomplish this summer that I could come up with off the top of my head. I don't see them as resolutions, more as a wish list, but I feel confident that I will see some of them come to fruition.

In summery (hahaha, get it? summer-y.... summary... yeah), this summer is going to knock my socks off. And I'm very much looking forward to it.

This is your captain, signing out.

P.S. If you want to see something awesome and potentially adorable, stay tuned for a vlog in the next few days!

Mission Outdoors

It’s been a while since I’ve written.

Not because I have had a lack of amusing, interesting, or profound thoughts to share, but rather that I’ve been afraid to write them down. There is something wonderful but often terrifying about writing. To be honest, for the past few months I’ve been too afraid to solidify my thoughts in writing.

But tonight I’m in the mood. It’s time to start writing again.

I just came home from Del Taco (a usual haunt of the Saddleback film students) where I had an interesting conversation with a friend. He told me about the months he spent living in his car when his parents had kicked him out of the house because he didn’t have a job. He said that they were some of the most productive months of his life. Away from home and the distractions of video games and junk food, he was able to be healthier and read and write freely.

As he described his experience to me, I saw that we were both very similar in our addictive personalities and our tendency for laziness, and that got me thinking that what worked for him might work for me. Maybe I really needed to stay out of the house more. In the last month or so I really haven’t been home much at all, and I barely see my parents anymore. But when I am home, I spend the majority of my time on the computer on Facebook or other websites. The internet is the biggest way I avoid my responsibilities.

I’m not prepared to quit cold turkey. There are parts of the internet that I really enjoy that, when used in the right proportion and context, can be beneficial. But I want to be doing other more important things, and it has to stop getting in the way of that.

I could sum up the past few years of my life by saying that under the pressure of increasing responsibility I have taken increasingly drastic measures to avoid it and the knowledge of this caused me to be even more self-destructive. The resolutions I made at the beginning of the year were my way of recognizing this and attempting to fix it. What I realize now is that I was trying to fix too many big problems in my life at once. I set my goals too high, and therefore failed (as I had always known secretly that I would) to achieve them.

So, I’m setting my sights lower. I am condensing my ten resolutions into one: stay out of the house as much as possible. I mean this in a physical way. Even being in the backyard is better than sitting inside. The more I’m out of the house, the more I will get done, and the better the chance is that I will do something productive and healthy. This is something that I feel I can achieve. The only resolution I have succeeded in so far is to become and remain a vegetarian. I believe this was because it is something that involves restraint rather than action. Since staying out of the house and away from the computer is a form of restraint, I feel that it is achievable.

I’m really quite excited about this decision. For a long time I’ve had a desire to do healthier things, and now I think I’ve found a way. The mission has begun.

Fame

Almost everyone fantasizes about being famous, or has at one time or another. I certainly have, many times. But today I was thinking about it and realized that I don't really want fame. I hate being in the spotlight. So why, I wondered, was I attracted to fame? I came up with two reasons:

1. If I was famous, I could afford to hire a stylist to make me beautiful (since I'm no good and hair and makeup and those sorts of things).
2. If I was famous, I would have the ability to connect to people. I would be able to talk with other famous people who I've always wanted to meet, and I'd be able to talk with fans. I would also have a great deal of influence over people's opinions.

This reveals the ugly side of my soul, the element I usually try to hide. It uncovers the insecurity.

The truth is, I don't need fame. In my dreams, it is an escape from my flaws, but in reality it would feed upon them, and enhance them. If I hope to try and better these imperfections, I need to work on them in my private life before I can even dream of addressing them in a public life.

For the first, the best I can do is realize that I'm not alone in my insecurity. I live in a society plagued by the need to meet social standards, the need to impress, and the need to appear to have it together. We aren't allowed weakness. But all this attributes to a residue of insecurity and fear. By encouraging others and bolstering their confidence, I can learn confidence in myself by living God's truth, not society's truth. And God says I am beautiful and unique.

For the second, the solution is relatively simple. What I crave is friendship. I have had an obsession, an intense need for companionship, since I was a teenager. I already have friendship, good friendship. It's difficult to explain my need for something which I already have, but I'll try. It breaks down like this: I want to be friends with those I admire, and I want my friends to admire me. The problem is that I'm not friends with all those who I admire, and they certainly don't admire me. In many cases, they don't even know who I am. This is just another faucet of my insecurity. I have a need to be loved and admired by those I admire. What I need to realize is that I'm already friends with amazing people. I need to be satisfied with that, and cultivate those relationships.

A note to my friends (if any of you are reading this): I am by no means saying that I don't love you all. I do. There are deeper issues here that I am still trying to work out. But I am eternally grateful for you and I hope that I will never take your friendship for granted. You are too good to me, and I'm continually amazed by you.

So, that was my soul-searching question for the day. If you've ever been attracted to fame, leave a comment saying why you think you were. Thanks for reading!

Stream of a sleepy consciousness

Here I am. Writing when I'm tired and have nothing to talk about. Do I get a gold star?

No, not really. I'm doing this for myself, and I doubt whether anyone cares two hoots whether I write or not.

I was at the barn today, and I decided to try to drain the huge lake of water that was sitting in the arena. No one was around, so I let G graze while I sloshed around in the mud for an hour or so and got the water flowing. I managed to drain almost all the water out, and felt quite proud of myself. I almost wanted someone to be there, so I could show them what a good job I'd done, but I thought, it's better this way. No one needs to know that I did it. I realized that I don't need recognition for every good thing that I do. Sometimes it's nice to have a little secret.

I wish I could say I was past caring what people think about me, but that's not true. Who knows if it ever will be. But I've been growing more and more sure of myself over the years and especially in the last few months.

This is a bit random, but since it has been raining I've been spending a lot more time at the barn, sitting around, grooming, grazing G. It's been so peaceful to have time just to enjoy the grass and the cool weather. I believe that nature brings out the best in me; both the child and the philosopher. My imagination can run wild and at the same time I can explore my thoughts, plumbing the intricacies of my soul.

Perhaps that is why I love Avatar so much. The Na'avi are so attuned to nature; they find joy in it and have great compassion for living things, despite the ferocity of their world. It is an inspiration for mankind, we who live in a world where the predators are disease, money, technology, natural disasters, and war. I think we could all benefit from having a deeper relationship with nature. It gives us perspective and brings us closer to our Creator, closer to other people, and closer to ourselves.

I'll leave it at that tonight, as I'm falling asleep where I sit. Rachel, signing off.