Grace (composed Sept. 24)

Wow. I'm in college.

I've only been in school for a few weeks, but it already feels like a year. I've grown so much in such a short time, and so many amazing things have happened. I could gush (and I have done to many already) about how great Biola is, but that's not what I want to talk about.

All the awesome things aside, there has been some stuff that really sucked. First off, I've been working my butt off to get all my work done and still I've managed to fall behind. I haven't been sleeping enough because of late-night studying, and so I got sick. It's been emotionally and physically exhausting, and there are several other big issues I'm dealing with on top of that.

In the middle of all this, I felt a tangible disconnection from God. Great. So I'm overloaded, stressed, tired, sick and worried, and somehow God isn't there. I went through the week feeling like this, and it wasn't pretty. Throughout my life there has been this recurring pattern that when I try to rely on my own strength I fail, epically and drastically. Somehow the idea hasn't quite been drilled into my head yet, and I always relapse. But by the end of the week, I knew that it was simply not possible for me to carry on this way any longer.

Once I came to realize this, fully realized it - I knew it in my head, but until then I didn't know it with my whole soul and being - several things happened.

I had a much needed conversation with my roommate that cleared up a lot of things. It was difficult to talk about, but it was much easier than I had imagined.

I had Torrey session. I had been really worried about not being able to participate in class discussion on Inferno because I had taken an extension (non-Torrey people: that just means I asked for a grace period because I couldn't finish the book on time). I had only read 8 cantos out of 34 before class. To my amazement and relief, we didn't even discuss beyond the 5th canto. Coincidence? I think not.

I had a rare time of quiet and solitude that night at the end of a long day of classes. I went to bed early, too early in fact, and my body wasn't ready to fall asleep yet. I started to pray, but it didn't feel genuine, so I began to talk to God, out loud, like I would to a parent. Only then did I really say what I was feeling, and it opened the floodgates to the emotion I had been repressing. I thanked, I vented, I confessed, I begged, I praised and I cried. A lot. By the time I finished, the tiredness and ache in my body had gone, and I felt completely restored. A calm settled on me, a peace I haven't known for a long time, so deep and pure that it could only come from God.

That night I slept wonderfully. I awoke to a room that was, once again, strangely empty and quiet. I spent the morning happily cleaning and reflecting. I had an encouraging talk with my mentor in the afternoon, and went home.

I learned so much in this week. Without God, I am powerless. When I feel distanced from Him, I'm the one who is creating the void. Even when I block my heart and refuse to speak to Him, He pursues me relentlessly out of profound love. He uses my great weaknesses to show His great strength. When I admit to my own frailty, He carries me through. He never gives me more than I can handle. His peace is perfect, and His grace is infinite. What I ask for with my heart, I receive. He loves me, and I love Him.

Isn't it beautiful how God uses our desperation to turn us to Him?