Almost everyone fantasizes about being famous, or has at one time or another. I certainly have, many times. But today I was thinking about it and realized that I don't really want fame. I hate being in the spotlight. So why, I wondered, was I attracted to fame? I came up with two reasons:
1. If I was famous, I could afford to hire a stylist to make me beautiful (since I'm no good and hair and makeup and those sorts of things).
2. If I was famous, I would have the ability to connect to people. I would be able to talk with other famous people who I've always wanted to meet, and I'd be able to talk with fans. I would also have a great deal of influence over people's opinions.
This reveals the ugly side of my soul, the element I usually try to hide. It uncovers the insecurity.
The truth is, I don't need fame. In my dreams, it is an escape from my flaws, but in reality it would feed upon them, and enhance them. If I hope to try and better these imperfections, I need to work on them in my private life before I can even dream of addressing them in a public life.
For the first, the best I can do is realize that I'm not alone in my insecurity. I live in a society plagued by the need to meet social standards, the need to impress, and the need to appear to have it together. We aren't allowed weakness. But all this attributes to a residue of insecurity and fear. By encouraging others and bolstering their confidence, I can learn confidence in myself by living God's truth, not society's truth. And God says I am beautiful and unique.
For the second, the solution is relatively simple. What I crave is friendship. I have had an obsession, an intense need for companionship, since I was a teenager. I already have friendship, good friendship. It's difficult to explain my need for something which I already have, but I'll try. It breaks down like this: I want to be friends with those I admire, and I want my friends to admire me. The problem is that I'm not friends with all those who I admire, and they certainly don't admire me. In many cases, they don't even know who I am. This is just another faucet of my insecurity. I have a need to be loved and admired by those I admire. What I need to realize is that I'm already friends with amazing people. I need to be satisfied with that, and cultivate those relationships.
A note to my friends (if any of you are reading this): I am by no means saying that I don't love you all. I do. There are deeper issues here that I am still trying to work out. But I am eternally grateful for you and I hope that I will never take your friendship for granted. You are too good to me, and I'm continually amazed by you.
So, that was my soul-searching question for the day. If you've ever been attracted to fame, leave a comment saying why you think you were. Thanks for reading!
Tuesday, February 9, 2010
Sunday, February 7, 2010
Stream of a sleepy consciousness
Here I am. Writing when I'm tired and have nothing to talk about. Do I get a gold star?
No, not really. I'm doing this for myself, and I doubt whether anyone cares two hoots whether I write or not.
I was at the barn today, and I decided to try to drain the huge lake of water that was sitting in the arena. No one was around, so I let G graze while I sloshed around in the mud for an hour or so and got the water flowing. I managed to drain almost all the water out, and felt quite proud of myself. I almost wanted someone to be there, so I could show them what a good job I'd done, but I thought, it's better this way. No one needs to know that I did it. I realized that I don't need recognition for every good thing that I do. Sometimes it's nice to have a little secret.
I wish I could say I was past caring what people think about me, but that's not true. Who knows if it ever will be. But I've been growing more and more sure of myself over the years and especially in the last few months.
This is a bit random, but since it has been raining I've been spending a lot more time at the barn, sitting around, grooming, grazing G. It's been so peaceful to have time just to enjoy the grass and the cool weather. I believe that nature brings out the best in me; both the child and the philosopher. My imagination can run wild and at the same time I can explore my thoughts, plumbing the intricacies of my soul.
Perhaps that is why I love Avatar so much. The Na'avi are so attuned to nature; they find joy in it and have great compassion for living things, despite the ferocity of their world. It is an inspiration for mankind, we who live in a world where the predators are disease, money, technology, natural disasters, and war. I think we could all benefit from having a deeper relationship with nature. It gives us perspective and brings us closer to our Creator, closer to other people, and closer to ourselves.
I'll leave it at that tonight, as I'm falling asleep where I sit. Rachel, signing off.
No, not really. I'm doing this for myself, and I doubt whether anyone cares two hoots whether I write or not.
I was at the barn today, and I decided to try to drain the huge lake of water that was sitting in the arena. No one was around, so I let G graze while I sloshed around in the mud for an hour or so and got the water flowing. I managed to drain almost all the water out, and felt quite proud of myself. I almost wanted someone to be there, so I could show them what a good job I'd done, but I thought, it's better this way. No one needs to know that I did it. I realized that I don't need recognition for every good thing that I do. Sometimes it's nice to have a little secret.
I wish I could say I was past caring what people think about me, but that's not true. Who knows if it ever will be. But I've been growing more and more sure of myself over the years and especially in the last few months.
This is a bit random, but since it has been raining I've been spending a lot more time at the barn, sitting around, grooming, grazing G. It's been so peaceful to have time just to enjoy the grass and the cool weather. I believe that nature brings out the best in me; both the child and the philosopher. My imagination can run wild and at the same time I can explore my thoughts, plumbing the intricacies of my soul.
Perhaps that is why I love Avatar so much. The Na'avi are so attuned to nature; they find joy in it and have great compassion for living things, despite the ferocity of their world. It is an inspiration for mankind, we who live in a world where the predators are disease, money, technology, natural disasters, and war. I think we could all benefit from having a deeper relationship with nature. It gives us perspective and brings us closer to our Creator, closer to other people, and closer to ourselves.
I'll leave it at that tonight, as I'm falling asleep where I sit. Rachel, signing off.
Friday, February 5, 2010
Explanations, NOT excuses
I've already failed several of my new year's resolutions pretty epically. But that does not mean that I should scrap them! So, here goes nothing.
Seeing that I want to become a writer, I thought that blogging everyday would be a good step toward learning to write regularly. Obviously, writing two days out of thirty-one isn't such a good start, but it's a start nontheless. And to give myself a pat on the back, I really have made progress, however small. In the past, when I failed to achieve a goal, I would lose hope and give up on it altogether. Now, however, I'm acknowledging my shortcomings and trying again with a hope to do better. It's difference between being thrown and walking away and being thrown and getting back on.
I have several very good excuses available to me as to why I didn't write every day in January, but I'm not going to use them. The truth is, I was scared. I didn't know what to write, and if I was going to write, I wanted it to have a purpose, I wanted it to be interesting, and I wanted it to have meaning and intrigue. Well I've since realized that's not what this resolution is about. I want to learn the discipline of writing every day, because if I ever hope to become a professional, that's what I'll have to do. That means I will have to write whether or not I feel like it and whether or not I have anything to write about. That means no more excuses. I feel very sure that I will have many more relapses before this year is out, but if I improve (however slightly) each month, that will keep me happy. Hopefully by the time December rolls around, I will have learned how to write every day.
On a separate but related note, I am making my first amendment to my resolutions. My #3 resolution was to keep an idea journal. Basically this was my way of mollifying the internal voices that were whispering to me in nagging tones, "You're a wannabe writer who never writes". I justified myself by telling the voices that I was too busy to really write anything, but I would keep and idea journal instead, so that all my inspirations (which come few and far between) would be locked up in there for the day when I finally got a grip and decided to spend time exploring them and writing (imagine that!). Total B.S.
So, I am amending my #3 resolution by changing it from "Keep an idea journal" to "Write for thirty minutes every day". This will include the time I spend blogging, but will be an added incentive for me to get into the habit of writing regularly for set periods of time. I wanted to make it an hour, but I think this early in the game it's unwise to push it. If I'm able to write for a half hour every day, then maybe I'll try an hour every day. We'll see. Right now, I'm just taking small steps. I'll leave you with a quote which encouraged me greatly as an aspiring author.
"What amazes me is that most days feel useless. I don't seem to accomplish anything-just a few pages, most of which don't seem very good. Yet, when I put all those wasted days together, I somehow end up with a book of which I'm very proud."
— Louis Sachar
Seeing that I want to become a writer, I thought that blogging everyday would be a good step toward learning to write regularly. Obviously, writing two days out of thirty-one isn't such a good start, but it's a start nontheless. And to give myself a pat on the back, I really have made progress, however small. In the past, when I failed to achieve a goal, I would lose hope and give up on it altogether. Now, however, I'm acknowledging my shortcomings and trying again with a hope to do better. It's difference between being thrown and walking away and being thrown and getting back on.
I have several very good excuses available to me as to why I didn't write every day in January, but I'm not going to use them. The truth is, I was scared. I didn't know what to write, and if I was going to write, I wanted it to have a purpose, I wanted it to be interesting, and I wanted it to have meaning and intrigue. Well I've since realized that's not what this resolution is about. I want to learn the discipline of writing every day, because if I ever hope to become a professional, that's what I'll have to do. That means I will have to write whether or not I feel like it and whether or not I have anything to write about. That means no more excuses. I feel very sure that I will have many more relapses before this year is out, but if I improve (however slightly) each month, that will keep me happy. Hopefully by the time December rolls around, I will have learned how to write every day.
On a separate but related note, I am making my first amendment to my resolutions. My #3 resolution was to keep an idea journal. Basically this was my way of mollifying the internal voices that were whispering to me in nagging tones, "You're a wannabe writer who never writes". I justified myself by telling the voices that I was too busy to really write anything, but I would keep and idea journal instead, so that all my inspirations (which come few and far between) would be locked up in there for the day when I finally got a grip and decided to spend time exploring them and writing (imagine that!). Total B.S.
So, I am amending my #3 resolution by changing it from "Keep an idea journal" to "Write for thirty minutes every day". This will include the time I spend blogging, but will be an added incentive for me to get into the habit of writing regularly for set periods of time. I wanted to make it an hour, but I think this early in the game it's unwise to push it. If I'm able to write for a half hour every day, then maybe I'll try an hour every day. We'll see. Right now, I'm just taking small steps. I'll leave you with a quote which encouraged me greatly as an aspiring author.
"What amazes me is that most days feel useless. I don't seem to accomplish anything-just a few pages, most of which don't seem very good. Yet, when I put all those wasted days together, I somehow end up with a book of which I'm very proud."
— Louis Sachar
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