Fame

Almost everyone fantasizes about being famous, or has at one time or another. I certainly have, many times. But today I was thinking about it and realized that I don't really want fame. I hate being in the spotlight. So why, I wondered, was I attracted to fame? I came up with two reasons:

1. If I was famous, I could afford to hire a stylist to make me beautiful (since I'm no good and hair and makeup and those sorts of things).
2. If I was famous, I would have the ability to connect to people. I would be able to talk with other famous people who I've always wanted to meet, and I'd be able to talk with fans. I would also have a great deal of influence over people's opinions.

This reveals the ugly side of my soul, the element I usually try to hide. It uncovers the insecurity.

The truth is, I don't need fame. In my dreams, it is an escape from my flaws, but in reality it would feed upon them, and enhance them. If I hope to try and better these imperfections, I need to work on them in my private life before I can even dream of addressing them in a public life.

For the first, the best I can do is realize that I'm not alone in my insecurity. I live in a society plagued by the need to meet social standards, the need to impress, and the need to appear to have it together. We aren't allowed weakness. But all this attributes to a residue of insecurity and fear. By encouraging others and bolstering their confidence, I can learn confidence in myself by living God's truth, not society's truth. And God says I am beautiful and unique.

For the second, the solution is relatively simple. What I crave is friendship. I have had an obsession, an intense need for companionship, since I was a teenager. I already have friendship, good friendship. It's difficult to explain my need for something which I already have, but I'll try. It breaks down like this: I want to be friends with those I admire, and I want my friends to admire me. The problem is that I'm not friends with all those who I admire, and they certainly don't admire me. In many cases, they don't even know who I am. This is just another faucet of my insecurity. I have a need to be loved and admired by those I admire. What I need to realize is that I'm already friends with amazing people. I need to be satisfied with that, and cultivate those relationships.

A note to my friends (if any of you are reading this): I am by no means saying that I don't love you all. I do. There are deeper issues here that I am still trying to work out. But I am eternally grateful for you and I hope that I will never take your friendship for granted. You are too good to me, and I'm continually amazed by you.

So, that was my soul-searching question for the day. If you've ever been attracted to fame, leave a comment saying why you think you were. Thanks for reading!